On November 10, 2011 David took his last breath on earth and went to be with our Lord and Savior. i know that he is in a better place now, and he must be missing me just as much as i miss him. he was my best friend and love of my life.
when i married my husband i thought it meant forever, but little did i know that my forever with him would only be a little over a year. we never got that happily ever after.
we will never get the chance to have kids, or grand kids.
we will never get to hold each other again.
we will never get to kiss each other goodnight and good morning ever again.
i'll never feel the comfort and safety of his arms again when they hold me when my world is falling down.
i'll go to bed alone, and wake up alone.
i'll never get to feel him push my hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear and kiss my forehead when i cry.
i'll never get to hear him say everything would be okay, and that life was going to get better.
i'll never have him there to wipe my tears.
sometimes i look and hope that he'll walk around the corner of the hallway, or that when i wake up all of this was just a bad dream and he's laying next to me.
i would give anything to hear his voice again. to hear him say that he loved me with all his heart. to feel his touch.
i would give anything to see him walking proud in his ACU's, and be the soldier that he loved being.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
After All...
someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. we will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. after all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.
TRAGEDY.
a word that either brings people together or tears them apart.
Monday, July 18,2011, tragedy struck, my husband tried taking his life by putting a gun to his head, and pulling the trigger forever changing the course of our lives forever.
Let me explain to you what i have been through the past few months.
On July 18, 2011 my husband went to work like any other day, he was a United States Army Soldier. He came home that day at 5:30pm. He told me he went to sports authority and bought a score book and a watch. When he got home that night he was confused, he asked me weird questions like if he had gone to work that day and what time it was. he asked me that on numerous occasions. after he had removed his uniform he told me he was tired and wanted to take a nap. so he laid down in bed and i told him i was going to go to the store.
i called my best friend and explained the symptoms to her and she thought he may have been dehydrated or had heat exhaustion. i was gone for about an hour to the store. i came home, and let david know i was home. i asked him if he was feeling any better. he replied that he felt hot and that his head hurt. i explained to him that i had spoken with my friend and he may be dehydrated or had heat exhaustion and that he may need to drink some water because of the previous weekend we had spent out in the sun all day and he didn't really drink any water. i asked him if he needed to go to the hospital. i asked him that numerous times, he refused.
my husband has a history of PTSD and his work situation was HORRIBLE. My husband was an exemplary soldier, but he was constantly harassed by certain NCO's and was told that he was over using the open door policy by another individual. My husband sought help for his work situation many times, but nobody chose to step up and help my husband. these certain individuals caused my husband anxiety so bad, that he had to go on anxiety meds, to help him through his day, he was so emotionally distraught and torn down by these people, every morning my husband threw up from anxiety. he lost weight. he was spiraling down in a depression. when you are constantly told that you are a piece of shit, and that you didn’t deserve to have all the awards that you were given and that you are nothing. It really takes a toll on someone.
There were a few incidents of certain said NCO’s that were very unprofessional and certain acts they did were un necessary. One time I walked into my husband’s office, now my husband was an E-6 staff sergeant. I walked into the office and his rank had been taken off. I wanted to know what happened and why his uniform was missing his rank. I was later told that his station commander had physically removed my husband’s rank and told him that he didn’t deserve his rank and that if he’s going to “act like a private that his rank should reflect that.” My husband tried his best to suffice this guy and try to stay out from under his radar but he would find anything and everything thing to terrorize my husband about.
i DO blame certain people in the army and i wish they were the ones in this situation because my husband did NOT deserve to be this way because of some stupid individuals that thought they had the power to tear a human being down so far and push them to this point and I HOPE THEY LIVE WITH THIS GUILT FOREVER. You better hope I don’t ever see you again, because there will be hell to pay.
Congratulations assholes you fucked his life up so much that you made him do this.
I do fully believe that his work situation played a huge toll in this tragedy. The army was everything to David, and he dedicated his life to it, and in the end he lost.
Decisions to make someone feel this bad are made by people who feel like crap themselves.
Another incident, on September 28th, 2011 the most selfish act that a person could ever do besides suicide, is taking away a loved one, especially one that is married. My father in law, because he thinks has all the control in the world did not want me to see my husband. he is tried his damnedest to withhold my rights as a wife to a UNITED STATES SOLDIER to see my husband. my husband has a traumatic brain injury, he needs my support now more than ever.
I have been there since day one for my husband. i got to hear his first words, his first steps, i saw him through his numerous surgeries, i see him every chance i get. my father in law is trying to be a super dad and he told me he would do anything to remove me from david's life by any means necessary.
my husband was an avid youtube watcher. i remember his favorite youtube clips, his favorite songs, things. to make him happy. id bring in his favorite movies to let him watch, we play video games on my computer or my ipad to keep him entertained. i talked to him, told him about my day and hopes for our future, i tell him everytime i see him, how much i love him and how much i want him to succeed to get better. i tell him everything will be okay, and that we will get through this and that i will be there for him every step of the way cheering him on. because i believe he will beat this, he may not be the same person that i married, but he is still my husband and we got a few more months to spend together.
nobody knows what i am going through and don't pretend like you do. because everybody seems to think that their 2 cents is what's best, but guess what its fucking not. i was there when it first happened, i helped save his life, i was there when he took his first steps since this happened, i was there when he said his first words. so don't tell me what to do. i know what is best for my husband, so everybody needs to stop telling me how to take care of my husband until they have been put in the same position that i am. if you are not going to be supportive of me, than i don't see the need to be friends with those people, i need people who will support my husband and i and not keep constantly attacking me because if he could speak you know he would not be friends with you for doing the shit you are doing.i have had enough of ridicule from people who i thought were my "friends". i don't appreciate you treating me the way you do. i love my husband with all my heart and would lay down my life for him. he is my best friend and the love of my life and if you can't respect that then we are no longer friends. true friends arise out of tragedy and we become closer, and all i can see is that the people who i thought were friends become enemies.
Now im dealing with the hardest thing of all, the Sunday night oct. 30th, my husband was re admitted to st als icu due to a fever and seizures he was having, he developed a really bad infection that ended up spreading to the rest of his body, on Sunday, Nov. 6th, 2011 at 6am my husband was taken off life support. He was able to breathe on his own without the ventilator, but now we are waiting for him to be at peace. As of yesterday they stopped all antibiotics and the only things he is getting is a little iv fluid and some pain meds. Im hoping he doesn’t have to go through this much longer. He lived a full life, and although it wasn’t long enough for us to be together I’m glad I had the honor of being his wife and the love of his life. Although we aren’t going to physically together anymore, I know that he’ll watch over me for the rest of my life. Hopefully someday I’ll meet a man who is just amazing as my husband was. I know that the next man I marry, if I marry has some BIG shoes to fill. David was an amazing person. He was my best friend, and the love of my life, and I will miss him dearly. I don’t regret the past 2 ½ years of my life that I spent with him, because that was the best 2 ½ years I have ever had with anyone. He was the most generous, caring, compassionate, loving person that I have ever met.
TRAGEDY.
a word that either brings people together or tears them apart.
Monday, July 18,2011, tragedy struck, my husband tried taking his life by putting a gun to his head, and pulling the trigger forever changing the course of our lives forever.
Let me explain to you what i have been through the past few months.
On July 18, 2011 my husband went to work like any other day, he was a United States Army Soldier. He came home that day at 5:30pm. He told me he went to sports authority and bought a score book and a watch. When he got home that night he was confused, he asked me weird questions like if he had gone to work that day and what time it was. he asked me that on numerous occasions. after he had removed his uniform he told me he was tired and wanted to take a nap. so he laid down in bed and i told him i was going to go to the store.
i called my best friend and explained the symptoms to her and she thought he may have been dehydrated or had heat exhaustion. i was gone for about an hour to the store. i came home, and let david know i was home. i asked him if he was feeling any better. he replied that he felt hot and that his head hurt. i explained to him that i had spoken with my friend and he may be dehydrated or had heat exhaustion and that he may need to drink some water because of the previous weekend we had spent out in the sun all day and he didn't really drink any water. i asked him if he needed to go to the hospital. i asked him that numerous times, he refused.
my husband has a history of PTSD and his work situation was HORRIBLE. My husband was an exemplary soldier, but he was constantly harassed by certain NCO's and was told that he was over using the open door policy by another individual. My husband sought help for his work situation many times, but nobody chose to step up and help my husband. these certain individuals caused my husband anxiety so bad, that he had to go on anxiety meds, to help him through his day, he was so emotionally distraught and torn down by these people, every morning my husband threw up from anxiety. he lost weight. he was spiraling down in a depression. when you are constantly told that you are a piece of shit, and that you didn’t deserve to have all the awards that you were given and that you are nothing. It really takes a toll on someone.
There were a few incidents of certain said NCO’s that were very unprofessional and certain acts they did were un necessary. One time I walked into my husband’s office, now my husband was an E-6 staff sergeant. I walked into the office and his rank had been taken off. I wanted to know what happened and why his uniform was missing his rank. I was later told that his station commander had physically removed my husband’s rank and told him that he didn’t deserve his rank and that if he’s going to “act like a private that his rank should reflect that.” My husband tried his best to suffice this guy and try to stay out from under his radar but he would find anything and everything thing to terrorize my husband about.
i DO blame certain people in the army and i wish they were the ones in this situation because my husband did NOT deserve to be this way because of some stupid individuals that thought they had the power to tear a human being down so far and push them to this point and I HOPE THEY LIVE WITH THIS GUILT FOREVER. You better hope I don’t ever see you again, because there will be hell to pay.
Congratulations assholes you fucked his life up so much that you made him do this.
I do fully believe that his work situation played a huge toll in this tragedy. The army was everything to David, and he dedicated his life to it, and in the end he lost.
Decisions to make someone feel this bad are made by people who feel like crap themselves.
Another incident, on September 28th, 2011 the most selfish act that a person could ever do besides suicide, is taking away a loved one, especially one that is married. My father in law, because he thinks has all the control in the world did not want me to see my husband. he is tried his damnedest to withhold my rights as a wife to a UNITED STATES SOLDIER to see my husband. my husband has a traumatic brain injury, he needs my support now more than ever.
I have been there since day one for my husband. i got to hear his first words, his first steps, i saw him through his numerous surgeries, i see him every chance i get. my father in law is trying to be a super dad and he told me he would do anything to remove me from david's life by any means necessary.
my husband was an avid youtube watcher. i remember his favorite youtube clips, his favorite songs, things. to make him happy. id bring in his favorite movies to let him watch, we play video games on my computer or my ipad to keep him entertained. i talked to him, told him about my day and hopes for our future, i tell him everytime i see him, how much i love him and how much i want him to succeed to get better. i tell him everything will be okay, and that we will get through this and that i will be there for him every step of the way cheering him on. because i believe he will beat this, he may not be the same person that i married, but he is still my husband and we got a few more months to spend together.
nobody knows what i am going through and don't pretend like you do. because everybody seems to think that their 2 cents is what's best, but guess what its fucking not. i was there when it first happened, i helped save his life, i was there when he took his first steps since this happened, i was there when he said his first words. so don't tell me what to do. i know what is best for my husband, so everybody needs to stop telling me how to take care of my husband until they have been put in the same position that i am. if you are not going to be supportive of me, than i don't see the need to be friends with those people, i need people who will support my husband and i and not keep constantly attacking me because if he could speak you know he would not be friends with you for doing the shit you are doing.i have had enough of ridicule from people who i thought were my "friends". i don't appreciate you treating me the way you do. i love my husband with all my heart and would lay down my life for him. he is my best friend and the love of my life and if you can't respect that then we are no longer friends. true friends arise out of tragedy and we become closer, and all i can see is that the people who i thought were friends become enemies.
Now im dealing with the hardest thing of all, the Sunday night oct. 30th, my husband was re admitted to st als icu due to a fever and seizures he was having, he developed a really bad infection that ended up spreading to the rest of his body, on Sunday, Nov. 6th, 2011 at 6am my husband was taken off life support. He was able to breathe on his own without the ventilator, but now we are waiting for him to be at peace. As of yesterday they stopped all antibiotics and the only things he is getting is a little iv fluid and some pain meds. Im hoping he doesn’t have to go through this much longer. He lived a full life, and although it wasn’t long enough for us to be together I’m glad I had the honor of being his wife and the love of his life. Although we aren’t going to physically together anymore, I know that he’ll watch over me for the rest of my life. Hopefully someday I’ll meet a man who is just amazing as my husband was. I know that the next man I marry, if I marry has some BIG shoes to fill. David was an amazing person. He was my best friend, and the love of my life, and I will miss him dearly. I don’t regret the past 2 ½ years of my life that I spent with him, because that was the best 2 ½ years I have ever had with anyone. He was the most generous, caring, compassionate, loving person that I have ever met.
Friday, September 2, 2011
What does it mean to be an Army Wife?
normal isn't a word that applies anymore I don't know how to gently lead up to something like this, so i'm just going to say it. people are trying to understand why something so terrible could have happened. the mind play tricks on us at times like this. it has to. we need it to. its how we are able to power on and do what needs to be done. even something as mundane as doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink, or going out getting up and doing what needs to be done for your loved ones. the further doesn't stop. we all searched for strength that first day or two. i did. but whether what i found was true strength or just some part of your dna that makes us want to reach out and help. i don't know. times like this we question our own stregth our ability to hang on and not crumble. its one of the things i admire most about the army wives i've met. it must be a military thing. this capacity to press on despite the obstacles to see a mission through to its completion. no matter what happens that makes us question the world we live in life goes on. as cliche as that sounds. one generation passes the baton onto the next generation and the cycle of life continues. this is a communal spirit, this crazy insistence that we all really are connected and each others care taker, it keeps us from sinking into despair or sliding into the abyss. what is it about the human touch? holding a loved one close and feeling their warmth, their heartbeat? i mean this is the army and frequently our loved ones are away but their warmth doesn't have to be. at times it feels totally random. this roll of the dice on who lives and who dies. they say in times of crisis true character is revealed. at some point words fail us and we are left with silence, silence and time. "to live in hearts you leave behind is not to die." i don't know what each of you is going to do today, but now is the time to tell those you love that you love them.
a good friend of mine wrote this to me:
people who have it easy and just go through and do the time, then its over. those aren't the people who live the army life. people who are dedicated, who go through the hard times, people who are affected by everything that comes with it all and perseveres, those are the honorable ones. army strong right?
it doesn't matter where or how it happens. the result is the same. the process is the same. don't let peoples attitudes or actions make you feel undeserving. this happens to other soldiers. there is so much that comes with being in the military. it doesn't end when or go away when you come home. it follows you everywhere. that is what makes you an army wife. you live it everyday, you support everyday. not just deployed "support your troops" bullshit that people don't fully understand.
Back to me:
i can't say that i'm perfect. but i am an army wife. i am strong and i push through everything, though troubles may come they will all work themselves out. there is no rhyme or reason to understand why i went through everything this year, losing our baby, and now david being in the hospital. apparently God thinks that i can handle it all. hopefully we will all make it out stronger and happier people. i love david with all my heart, and in my heart and mind we are going to be together forever. we made a commitment to each other on October 22, 2010. that we would love, honor and cherish each other. take care of each other in sickness and in health. we are one. when we married in the sanctity in front of God and all of our family members we made a commitment to persevere through everything. we made a vow to honor 1 Cor. 13. david and i are best friends. nothing will change that.
a good friend of mine wrote this to me:
people who have it easy and just go through and do the time, then its over. those aren't the people who live the army life. people who are dedicated, who go through the hard times, people who are affected by everything that comes with it all and perseveres, those are the honorable ones. army strong right?
it doesn't matter where or how it happens. the result is the same. the process is the same. don't let peoples attitudes or actions make you feel undeserving. this happens to other soldiers. there is so much that comes with being in the military. it doesn't end when or go away when you come home. it follows you everywhere. that is what makes you an army wife. you live it everyday, you support everyday. not just deployed "support your troops" bullshit that people don't fully understand.
Back to me:
i can't say that i'm perfect. but i am an army wife. i am strong and i push through everything, though troubles may come they will all work themselves out. there is no rhyme or reason to understand why i went through everything this year, losing our baby, and now david being in the hospital. apparently God thinks that i can handle it all. hopefully we will all make it out stronger and happier people. i love david with all my heart, and in my heart and mind we are going to be together forever. we made a commitment to each other on October 22, 2010. that we would love, honor and cherish each other. take care of each other in sickness and in health. we are one. when we married in the sanctity in front of God and all of our family members we made a commitment to persevere through everything. we made a vow to honor 1 Cor. 13. david and i are best friends. nothing will change that.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
davids progress
it's time for another update, I'm not so tired tonight so here we go. Thursday David had surgery on his sinuses because he was leaking a lot of cerebral spinal fluid from his nose and had an air leak where air was getting into his brain from his nose... so on Thursday he had surgery, he started in pre-op at 9:30am. then he was taken into the OR at 11:00am. surgery started at 12 or 12:30pm. he was out of surgery at 4:00pm and into recovery then I got to see him at 5:00pm. it was a long day. he was held in the icu from thrusday to tuesday afternoon then he went back to his long term care facility. Friday and Saturday and sunday, because of the surgery his eyes were swollen shut. Monday he opened his eyes back up. he did discover what breasts were again he was getting all grabby with mine, so I had to correct him and tell him it was not proper to be doing that in public. on tuesday he had another surgery to change his PICC line which is a long term IV from his left arm to his right. so he's still pretty groggy from the surgeries.
as far as motor functions or movements, he is starting to move his right side his hand and arm have spontaneous movement but it's without stimulation which is good. his right leg he is moving I'm not sure if it's purposeful or spontaneous. he's giving thumbs up on command and showing umbers 0-5 on command.
that's about it.
.:Jenny:.
as far as motor functions or movements, he is starting to move his right side his hand and arm have spontaneous movement but it's without stimulation which is good. his right leg he is moving I'm not sure if it's purposeful or spontaneous. he's giving thumbs up on command and showing umbers 0-5 on command.
that's about it.
.:Jenny:.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
a little peek into my mind...
a lot of people ask how I'm doing, I'm staying strong but I do have my weak points. these are my thoughts when I'm having a weak moment.
it's like we go through things and we don't know why.
we don't know why bad things happen.
we don't know why our lives get flipped upside-down.
we scoff when someone is having a bad day because their day couldn't have been as bad as the one we have been going through for weeks, months, and years.
people act like they understand but they don't.
they don't understand what you saw, heard, smelled and felt.
you constantly sit at their bedside looking for change. looking for some ounce of hope that maybe your life will be semi normal again.
you cry tears of loneliness, sadness, hurt, and anger.
people don't understand all the anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, and guilt that you feel. you hide your feelings from the world son you aren't judged.
anger- why this is all happening. what did you do wrong? what did you do to deserve this? you don't have the right to accuse me for things that happened because it wasn't in my plan.
sadness/loneliness- being in your house alone. things remind you of them, pictures, smells, foods... you have nobody to talk to, cuddle with, laugh with. nobody to hold you and make you feel like everything is going to be alright. no one to vent to or have laying next to you and holding you when you fall asleep or wake up. no one to call you and tell you they love you. no one to text you and let you know they love you and can't wait to see you. no one to have dinner with. no one to make all the sadness, hurt and anger go away. no one to push the hair out of your face and tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, whether you think so or not. no one to make you smile when you are down. no one to fulfill all the promises they made. no one to hold hands with in the car or walking through the store or down the street. no one to tease you about the silly things you do...
frustration- sometimes you don't want to get dressed or put make up on, or do your hair, but you do it because its what other people want you to do, even though all you care about is getting back to the hospital to see you best friend. the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. people are inconsiderate they make a lot of things about themselves even though they aren't directly involved in the situation. people try to bully you to get what they want.
guilt- what you could have done to prevent it from happening. what you could have changed. how you could have done something different. not telling them how much that you loved them every second of everyday. not agreeing with them all the time. not making them happy all the time. the little things...
in a matter of seconds, your whole life could change. one brash act or human error, everything you thought you knew about life changes. you change. in a matter of days, weeks, and years you become stronger. your routine changes. you start feeling scared, lonely, angry, hurt, confused, abandoned, worried.
don't take anything you have in life for granted. especially the people. you never know in a second what could change. always tell your loved ones that you love them no matter what. kiss your husband or wife as much as you can, hold on to them, cherish them, because within the next second your life can change.
it's like we go through things and we don't know why.
we don't know why bad things happen.
we don't know why our lives get flipped upside-down.
we scoff when someone is having a bad day because their day couldn't have been as bad as the one we have been going through for weeks, months, and years.
people act like they understand but they don't.
they don't understand what you saw, heard, smelled and felt.
you constantly sit at their bedside looking for change. looking for some ounce of hope that maybe your life will be semi normal again.
you cry tears of loneliness, sadness, hurt, and anger.
people don't understand all the anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, and guilt that you feel. you hide your feelings from the world son you aren't judged.
anger- why this is all happening. what did you do wrong? what did you do to deserve this? you don't have the right to accuse me for things that happened because it wasn't in my plan.
sadness/loneliness- being in your house alone. things remind you of them, pictures, smells, foods... you have nobody to talk to, cuddle with, laugh with. nobody to hold you and make you feel like everything is going to be alright. no one to vent to or have laying next to you and holding you when you fall asleep or wake up. no one to call you and tell you they love you. no one to text you and let you know they love you and can't wait to see you. no one to have dinner with. no one to make all the sadness, hurt and anger go away. no one to push the hair out of your face and tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, whether you think so or not. no one to make you smile when you are down. no one to fulfill all the promises they made. no one to hold hands with in the car or walking through the store or down the street. no one to tease you about the silly things you do...
frustration- sometimes you don't want to get dressed or put make up on, or do your hair, but you do it because its what other people want you to do, even though all you care about is getting back to the hospital to see you best friend. the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. people are inconsiderate they make a lot of things about themselves even though they aren't directly involved in the situation. people try to bully you to get what they want.
guilt- what you could have done to prevent it from happening. what you could have changed. how you could have done something different. not telling them how much that you loved them every second of everyday. not agreeing with them all the time. not making them happy all the time. the little things...
in a matter of seconds, your whole life could change. one brash act or human error, everything you thought you knew about life changes. you change. in a matter of days, weeks, and years you become stronger. your routine changes. you start feeling scared, lonely, angry, hurt, confused, abandoned, worried.
don't take anything you have in life for granted. especially the people. you never know in a second what could change. always tell your loved ones that you love them no matter what. kiss your husband or wife as much as you can, hold on to them, cherish them, because within the next second your life can change.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
love is patient
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
-1 Cor. 4-8a.
its been awhile since i wrote a blog. so lets see here...
the last time i wrote something we were at st. als in boise. david is now at southwest idaho advanced care hospital in boise. he's progressing really well, he's able to move his left hand really well, move his left leg all around, today he was trying really hard to move his right hand and did it but he tried way to hard. it pushed his heart rate up high and tuckered him out. he's definitely trying! he also got his trach out so he can talk whenever he wants to. he's trying to do that as well. the first time i heard noise come from him it freaked me out because he hadn't made a sound in 3 weeks. lol. he also is making moaning noises and he tries to talk, i will ask him some questions and he will open his mouth and try to answer. :) david today also in physical therapy tried pulling himself up and was almost sitting by himself. :) yesterday he moved his head, neck and all by himself, and he's almost looking to the right. :) he's made some massive improvements. the swelling in his head has gone down to where its starting to cave in. (its supposed to do that.) he also is moving the right side of his face, which now he can make a full smile! :)
david used to have a restraint on his left arm to keep him from pulling at things, they removed it yesterday, but i had to put it back on him today because he started itching at his head and pulling scabs off. :( sorry buddy! just trying to protect you. also because his head is caving in you can tell were part of the skull is gone so he feels that a lot and i don't want it to hurt him because i don't know how much pressure he's putting on his brain when he touches his left side of his head. so we are just trying to protect him. david has this awesome night nurse named melissa. she's great, i love knowing she's there to take care of david. she's one of the few nurses i like. he also had a good day nurse, brianne. she was really good with him as well. :)
one last thing, i meet david's new commander, (we are no longer in the boise company for recruiting.) he's now in the wounded warrior unit, so we get to meet his new commander and a major from cali. hopefully they can answer a lot of questions for me.
all in all david improves more and more each day! its a definite miracle. :) now its just a waiting period for him to get better, a definite test to test patience in love.
-1 Cor. 4-8a.
its been awhile since i wrote a blog. so lets see here...
the last time i wrote something we were at st. als in boise. david is now at southwest idaho advanced care hospital in boise. he's progressing really well, he's able to move his left hand really well, move his left leg all around, today he was trying really hard to move his right hand and did it but he tried way to hard. it pushed his heart rate up high and tuckered him out. he's definitely trying! he also got his trach out so he can talk whenever he wants to. he's trying to do that as well. the first time i heard noise come from him it freaked me out because he hadn't made a sound in 3 weeks. lol. he also is making moaning noises and he tries to talk, i will ask him some questions and he will open his mouth and try to answer. :) david today also in physical therapy tried pulling himself up and was almost sitting by himself. :) yesterday he moved his head, neck and all by himself, and he's almost looking to the right. :) he's made some massive improvements. the swelling in his head has gone down to where its starting to cave in. (its supposed to do that.) he also is moving the right side of his face, which now he can make a full smile! :)
david used to have a restraint on his left arm to keep him from pulling at things, they removed it yesterday, but i had to put it back on him today because he started itching at his head and pulling scabs off. :( sorry buddy! just trying to protect you. also because his head is caving in you can tell were part of the skull is gone so he feels that a lot and i don't want it to hurt him because i don't know how much pressure he's putting on his brain when he touches his left side of his head. so we are just trying to protect him. david has this awesome night nurse named melissa. she's great, i love knowing she's there to take care of david. she's one of the few nurses i like. he also had a good day nurse, brianne. she was really good with him as well. :)
one last thing, i meet david's new commander, (we are no longer in the boise company for recruiting.) he's now in the wounded warrior unit, so we get to meet his new commander and a major from cali. hopefully they can answer a lot of questions for me.
all in all david improves more and more each day! its a definite miracle. :) now its just a waiting period for him to get better, a definite test to test patience in love.
Monday, August 1, 2011
love like crazy :)
"be a best friend, tell the truth , and overuse I love you. go to work do your best don't out smart your common sense, never let your prayin knees get lazy and love like crazy."
well tonight is the first night that I get to spend with David. although the accommodations aren't that cozy but I like being close to him. :) I like being alone with him and having the privacy we need away from family and friends. don't get me wrong I love them, but ultimately we are husband and wife and do need our time as well. I need to be able to tell him how much I love him and remind him how happy he makes me and that everything is going to be okay. :) I know how deep our love goes when I can get him to do things others can't. or when he holds my hand so tightly that the blood runs out and my hand gets tingly. :) I know he's trying really hard to get better. :)
today the physical therapist came in and sat him on the side of the bed with legs dangling and everything. :) he was trying so hard to hold himself up! :) he also is moving his left hand a lot and he is staring to wiggle his fingers on his right hand, its not all the time but he's trying. pretty much he's been sleeping all day. his fever recently is down to 99.8 last time I checked. :) hopefully today (monday) or tomorrow he'll be moved to his long term care hospital...
this whole experience has been a huge test/trial on our marriage. I know we still have a long way to go, but in the end it will be worth it. "never let your praying knees get lazy,and love like crazy." :)
well tonight is the first night that I get to spend with David. although the accommodations aren't that cozy but I like being close to him. :) I like being alone with him and having the privacy we need away from family and friends. don't get me wrong I love them, but ultimately we are husband and wife and do need our time as well. I need to be able to tell him how much I love him and remind him how happy he makes me and that everything is going to be okay. :) I know how deep our love goes when I can get him to do things others can't. or when he holds my hand so tightly that the blood runs out and my hand gets tingly. :) I know he's trying really hard to get better. :)
today the physical therapist came in and sat him on the side of the bed with legs dangling and everything. :) he was trying so hard to hold himself up! :) he also is moving his left hand a lot and he is staring to wiggle his fingers on his right hand, its not all the time but he's trying. pretty much he's been sleeping all day. his fever recently is down to 99.8 last time I checked. :) hopefully today (monday) or tomorrow he'll be moved to his long term care hospital...
this whole experience has been a huge test/trial on our marriage. I know we still have a long way to go, but in the end it will be worth it. "never let your praying knees get lazy,and love like crazy." :)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
and the greatest of things is LOVE.
so yesterday i was going to post a blog, but i fell asleep. lol.
interesting things happened yesterday and today. lets start with my favorite event that happened yesterday, i had asked david many times to give me a thumbs up sign, i don't know if he can't do it, or if he physically doesn't want to do it. i asked him over and over, give me a thumbs up. he wouldn't do it, so then i asked him to flip me off. so he did it. then i asked him to do it again, and he did it again. never have i been so proud of my husband. i was so excited i said, "that's my man!" :) i also tried to have him communicate with me using his eyes, and blinking, but i don't think that worked very well. we did thumb wrestle a little bit yesterday. :)
today, i was cleaning his head and his ears and his nose, and i was looking at him and he started rubbing my head and playing with my hair. :) he also started exploring things with his hands. :) i had to get him some tennis balls and foam balls for him to play with in his hands. :) he's doing so great and recovering well. :)
interesting things happened yesterday and today. lets start with my favorite event that happened yesterday, i had asked david many times to give me a thumbs up sign, i don't know if he can't do it, or if he physically doesn't want to do it. i asked him over and over, give me a thumbs up. he wouldn't do it, so then i asked him to flip me off. so he did it. then i asked him to do it again, and he did it again. never have i been so proud of my husband. i was so excited i said, "that's my man!" :) i also tried to have him communicate with me using his eyes, and blinking, but i don't think that worked very well. we did thumb wrestle a little bit yesterday. :)
today, i was cleaning his head and his ears and his nose, and i was looking at him and he started rubbing my head and playing with my hair. :) he also started exploring things with his hands. :) i had to get him some tennis balls and foam balls for him to play with in his hands. :) he's doing so great and recovering well. :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
what a day
this morning i woke up to find out that david had a mass in his chest which equals to pneumonia. he had been running a fever for almost a week now, it ranges anywhere from 101-103. it took the doctors a while to do a chest xray, even though he's been coughing up huge luges. so gross by the way. . . i was super frustrated with the doctors because this could have been prevented, i know that he is fighting a lot of other things right now, but he did not need this. with the head trauma, and everything the poor guy did not need to be sick as well.
i went in there a couple times tonight and he was not very responsive, but he is getting some much needed rest thank goodness. last night he was really agitated, and would not go to sleep. but tonight he is out like a light. :) we will see what tomorrow brings, i know the doctors have him on antibiotics to help with the infections, so hopefully he'll be feeling a lot better tomorrow! :)
i went in there a couple times tonight and he was not very responsive, but he is getting some much needed rest thank goodness. last night he was really agitated, and would not go to sleep. but tonight he is out like a light. :) we will see what tomorrow brings, i know the doctors have him on antibiotics to help with the infections, so hopefully he'll be feeling a lot better tomorrow! :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
love concurs all :)
what a day.
what a day.
i'm so glad i got my tattoo yesterday! its a great reminder. :)
anyways, so i just came back from seeing david, and he is pretty much the same old david, stubborn as can be! lol. i sat with him for about 2 hours. he knew i was there, he was looking at me when i talked. he was squeezing my hand, ALSO! he was trying to take off my glove off my hand because it irritates him. as soon as he could feel my skin touching his, he grabbed the glove and tried to pull it off! :) silly goofball! i told him to please stop trying to take my glove off, and guess what he stopped! but then he started doing it again. lol. stubborn ass.
tonight once again, i reminded him how much i love him, and how precious he was to me, and that i don't regret marrying him and that it was the smartest thing i have ever done in my life and how happy i am to have him as a husband. he's my best friend. the love of my life. my everything. he responded by holding my hand really tight and rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb and looking at me. i melted, looking into his eyes and seeing him, and his soul, just made the love i had for him overflow.
its amazing how much i love my husband. i know i had my days that i was a horrible wife, and we fought, but we always made it through. he continued to fight for me, i will continue to fight for him. i love him, and have since the first time he admitted he loved me. i told him i thought he was super hot from the first day i saw him. i think its so awesome that he knew after a MONTH of dating me that he was going to marry me. me on the other hand, i wasn't so sure. lol. on July 31, 2010 he proposed to me! :) on October 22, 2010 we took another step into our future that will carry us into forever, we became husband and wife, and dedicated our lives together through love and commitment. :) i can't see myself married to anybody else, we both have too weird of personalities to be with anybody else! lol.
he's an amazing person, as i told him tonight, i hated the person i used to be, and that he by love changed me into the person i am today. i never thought that i could be a good person, nor did i ever think that someone would love me as much as he does.
<3 LOVE CONCURS ALL THINGS!!! <3
what a day.
i'm so glad i got my tattoo yesterday! its a great reminder. :)
anyways, so i just came back from seeing david, and he is pretty much the same old david, stubborn as can be! lol. i sat with him for about 2 hours. he knew i was there, he was looking at me when i talked. he was squeezing my hand, ALSO! he was trying to take off my glove off my hand because it irritates him. as soon as he could feel my skin touching his, he grabbed the glove and tried to pull it off! :) silly goofball! i told him to please stop trying to take my glove off, and guess what he stopped! but then he started doing it again. lol. stubborn ass.
tonight once again, i reminded him how much i love him, and how precious he was to me, and that i don't regret marrying him and that it was the smartest thing i have ever done in my life and how happy i am to have him as a husband. he's my best friend. the love of my life. my everything. he responded by holding my hand really tight and rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb and looking at me. i melted, looking into his eyes and seeing him, and his soul, just made the love i had for him overflow.
its amazing how much i love my husband. i know i had my days that i was a horrible wife, and we fought, but we always made it through. he continued to fight for me, i will continue to fight for him. i love him, and have since the first time he admitted he loved me. i told him i thought he was super hot from the first day i saw him. i think its so awesome that he knew after a MONTH of dating me that he was going to marry me. me on the other hand, i wasn't so sure. lol. on July 31, 2010 he proposed to me! :) on October 22, 2010 we took another step into our future that will carry us into forever, we became husband and wife, and dedicated our lives together through love and commitment. :) i can't see myself married to anybody else, we both have too weird of personalities to be with anybody else! lol.
he's an amazing person, as i told him tonight, i hated the person i used to be, and that he by love changed me into the person i am today. i never thought that i could be a good person, nor did i ever think that someone would love me as much as he does.
<3 LOVE CONCURS ALL THINGS!!! <3
Saturday, July 23, 2011
For Better, For Worse...
i love my husband, yeah sometimes he drives me crazy but i signed on as an army wife, for better or for worse.
i think at some point in our lives we think things like this could happen, we don't plan for it, we don't wish for it. we certainly pray that it does not happen to us or any other family, but it does. unfortunately whether it be in theater/deployment, or at our homes, or even during training. military wives are generally good at expecting the un expected, but when it comes to our spouse being injured, either our survival instincts kick in or we freak out. lol.
this past week has definitely been a trial on my marriage to David, and its just beginning. i don't know what the future holds for us, but i know that i love that man now, more than ever in my life. today i told him, that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and that no matter what happened before, that was before and we are starting a new chapter in our lives. we are starting over. i think this whole experience will make our relationship much stronger not just between us, but Christ as well. i know that I've been praying like crazy, and that all the christian influences around us has really helped as well. i honestly think God is working a miracle in my husband.
There are sometimes where i just want to give up and be done, but then i walk back to his room and hold his hand, and look into his eyes, and say, this is the man i am fighting for, and will continue to fight for, no matter what, because we are going to make it through this. i mean it would be nice to go home, and have this attractive man laying in my bed, to cuddle, talk about our days, and kiss whenever i want to, and everything else. I miss his voice, he's laugh, the way his lips feel against mine. that's what keeps me going. eventually i will feel and hear those all one day, its going to take time. i know im not the most patient person in the world, and if it were up to me, my husband would be back to normal and jumping around his room. Its a patience thing, a waiting game.
Today i got a tattoo to remind me that "Love Don't Run". i made a commitment to my husband in love that i would be there for him, for better, or for worse.
i think at some point in our lives we think things like this could happen, we don't plan for it, we don't wish for it. we certainly pray that it does not happen to us or any other family, but it does. unfortunately whether it be in theater/deployment, or at our homes, or even during training. military wives are generally good at expecting the un expected, but when it comes to our spouse being injured, either our survival instincts kick in or we freak out. lol.
this past week has definitely been a trial on my marriage to David, and its just beginning. i don't know what the future holds for us, but i know that i love that man now, more than ever in my life. today i told him, that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and that no matter what happened before, that was before and we are starting a new chapter in our lives. we are starting over. i think this whole experience will make our relationship much stronger not just between us, but Christ as well. i know that I've been praying like crazy, and that all the christian influences around us has really helped as well. i honestly think God is working a miracle in my husband.
There are sometimes where i just want to give up and be done, but then i walk back to his room and hold his hand, and look into his eyes, and say, this is the man i am fighting for, and will continue to fight for, no matter what, because we are going to make it through this. i mean it would be nice to go home, and have this attractive man laying in my bed, to cuddle, talk about our days, and kiss whenever i want to, and everything else. I miss his voice, he's laugh, the way his lips feel against mine. that's what keeps me going. eventually i will feel and hear those all one day, its going to take time. i know im not the most patient person in the world, and if it were up to me, my husband would be back to normal and jumping around his room. Its a patience thing, a waiting game.
Today i got a tattoo to remind me that "Love Don't Run". i made a commitment to my husband in love that i would be there for him, for better, or for worse.
David's Progress, A Sign of God's Presence
On monday night david was admitted to the hospital with a traumatic brain injury. the doctors said that when he came in, he was trying to rip things out with his left hand, and moving his hand and arm with a purpose. once out of surgery he was moving his left arm/hand and squeezing people's hands. he was on a ventilator to help him breathe, he could also hear peoples voices. this went on till tuesday/wednesday. the next day he had started moving his toes, on the left side, and started fluttering his right eye as if he was trying to open it. he was also starting to move his right index finger, and squeeze his right hand. he also started moving his right leg a little bit. he was later removed off the ventilator, he still has a breathing tube in to keep his throat from collapsing, but he is breathing on his own. he now is opening his eye more frequently, he's trying to open his left eye, and he tried moving his lips and moves his tongue, and sometimes makes a grunting noise. also today, he recognized me, so every time i tried to leave or move to the other side of the room he was freak out, and move his left arm around to grab my hand again. he also was exploring my hand, and he would squeeze it when i told him that he was holding my hand. his squeezes were hard and with a purpose. made me happy! :) so he's improving a lot!
Keep those prayers coming, because they are working!
Keep those prayers coming, because they are working!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Love Don't Run
"Love Don't Run"
By Steve Holy
This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth aint easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
[Chorus:]
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night cuz
This is gonna makes us stronger, it’s gonna make forever longer
I know it’d be easier walking away but what we got is real
And I wanna save us, baby we can do it, Baby we’ll get through it cause
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough, it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby love don’t run
[Bridge:]
So come over here and lay down in my arms
Baby tell me everything that’s on your heart, cause
[Chorus:]
I won’t run, and I won’t hide
I won’t turn away, I just wanna make things right
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough it won’t give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby Love don’t run
My new theme song.
i think some parts of the song are fitting for my situation. its going to be a marathon for david to get better, its going to be day, weeks, months, possibly even years. but i'm willing to makes those steps with him as long as he keeps fighting. :) he's fighting so hard right now, and i'll be there every step of the way until he's back home, safe and sound in my arms. :) i can't wait to hold him, and kiss his beautiful lips, and hear him talk again. :) he's trying so hard to get better. he's a fighter. i know we will make it, and make beautiful babies, and have a life of happily ever after together, the story may not be perfect, but it works for me as long and he's by my side. :)
By Steve Holy
This is gonna hurt, this is gonna hurt like hell
This is gonna damn near kill me, sometimes the truth aint easy
I know that you’re scared of telling me something
I don’t wanna hear, but baby believe that
I’m not leaving, you couldn’t give me one good reason
[Chorus:]
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Let’s lay it on the line, I don’t care if it takes all night cuz
This is gonna makes us stronger, it’s gonna make forever longer
I know it’d be easier walking away but what we got is real
And I wanna save us, baby we can do it, Baby we’ll get through it cause
Love don’t run, love don’t hide
It won't turn away or back down from a fight
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough, it wont give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby love don’t run
[Bridge:]
So come over here and lay down in my arms
Baby tell me everything that’s on your heart, cause
[Chorus:]
I won’t run, and I won’t hide
I won’t turn away, I just wanna make things right
Baby I’m right here and I aint going anywhere
Love’s too tough it won’t give up no not on us
Baby Love don’t run
Baby Love don’t run
My new theme song.
i think some parts of the song are fitting for my situation. its going to be a marathon for david to get better, its going to be day, weeks, months, possibly even years. but i'm willing to makes those steps with him as long as he keeps fighting. :) he's fighting so hard right now, and i'll be there every step of the way until he's back home, safe and sound in my arms. :) i can't wait to hold him, and kiss his beautiful lips, and hear him talk again. :) he's trying so hard to get better. he's a fighter. i know we will make it, and make beautiful babies, and have a life of happily ever after together, the story may not be perfect, but it works for me as long and he's by my side. :)
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Something Someone Wrote to David
Heavenly Father,I asked you now to bless David in the name of Jesus.In healing his body to become healthy.Embrace his family and friends in comfort and peace knowing you are almighty and continually seeking you in prayer, knowing all things are possible with Jesus"My peace I give you."Stay strong in God's word, when we ask anything in Jesus name it is well done with Him. Keep the faith.God has dispacted His angels around David and his protection is with him at all times.Trust in the Lord with all thine heart,and lean not unto thine own understanding,but in all thy ways acknowledge Him and he will direct our path.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
babies
I have been struggling again with the loss of our baby, and its like I’m getting mad at everything.
I especially get mad at people who are blessed with this awesome gift and they are ungrateful and don't want any part of the baby's life. it makes me so mad, because david and i work so hard to try to start our family, and it just seems like everybody around us, whether it be at the store, or people we know, or on tv it just seems everybody can have a baby but us. what did we do wrong? it seems like all babies are made out of sin anymore. its like we should have been trying when we didn't want a baby because we might have been able to have one, but we never wanted to have a baby, or get pregnant with a baby before we were married. i know we didn't do everything right in our lives, but we tried making good steps out of it, we abstained from sex before we got married, and for God’s forgiveness for the sins we committed prior to being married. then we got married before we started trying to have kids.
on january 18, 2011 we found out we were pregnant through home pregnancy tests. on january 19, 2011 the doctor confirmed that we were indeed expecting. my doctor had set up appointments to check and see the baby and everything, but on january 24, 2011 our world came crashing down, i started having a lot of bleeding, i went into the emergency room and they couldn't find the baby and ruled it as a miscarriage, they couldn't explain to me why it happened. it was a hard day, I had to take one of my friends with me to the hospital because david was in oregon working and the recruiter he was with was more interested in doing his job than getting david back to me. david was begging his partner for the day to get him back to nampa, but the recruiter ignored him. david then finally told the recruiter that we had lost our baby, and david broke down in the car and cried and that recruiter felt awful. i'm still trying to figure out why it happened. we did everything right didn't we? we had asked to be clensed of our sins, abstained from sex, i ate right, i took my vitamins... did we get too excited? I just don’t know what went wrong.
when we first told people that we were expecting, it seemed like a lot of people were against us, some people told me not to get excited because we could lose the baby. when I told my dad, his reply was its better than cancer, when I told my mom, she said you know things could happen and not turn out the way we would want it. my biological grandma told me not to get excited and that we could lose the baby. the only people that seemed to be supportive was david’s parents, and my biological dad. he seemed excited, joked about how me being married and being able to have kids made him feel old.
when the miscarriage happened i was mad at everyone. I was mad at david because he wasn’t there, I was mad because he had a child with someone else and I couldn’t do that for him. I was mad at God because he gave us a gift and then he just took it away. i'll admit that i still am angry about losing the baby, i hate walking through the store and seeing teen moms or the people that have like 6 kids and look like they don't need anymore, but the mom is still popping them out. i feel like we are never going to be able to have kids. its a hard thing that i struggle with. it makes me emotional all the time. I watch tv, and if someone loses a baby I start bawling my eyes out.
I’ve been fluctuating with being mad at God, I’m mad at him one day, and ask for forgiveness the next for being mad, and cycle through again. I’ve also been struggling with depression with losing the baby, one day I’m great and happy and the next I’m upset and crying and trying to figure out what happened with us losing the baby. sometimes I feel like it was my fault because I was supposed to be that safe haven for the baby to grow in and I couldn’t keep it safe. sometimes people ask if there is anything wrong with david, and I tell them no, because he already has a child with someone else. so it makes me feel like its my fault.
its also really hard for me to be around kids. especially david’s daughter. david doesn’t understand why, and its hard to explain it to him without him getting all offended. its really hard to be around my best friend’s 4 year old son that I’m really close with. but being around sydney is the hardest, because that’s his daughter that he had with someone else, its hard for me to look at her, or her hugging me, or even hearing her voice. last month was mothers day and that was really hard on me, my grandma wrote me, “Jenny, Happy Mother's Day. Yes, you are a Mother and should be proud of that. Your baby is in the best possible hands for now. Be happy today knowing that. Love you, Grandma”. reading that made me cry for like a week and put me into a slump. now this month its sydney’s birthday, and father’s day. once again he gets to celebrate the fact he had a baby with someone else.
I’m not trying to be selfish, but these are just my feelings. I didn’t even want to be around this weekend. I wanted to go on a roadtrip with my best friend, and get far away from here. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being upset all the time. david told me to just get over it. my best friend, lost her baby at 4 month’s pregnant. she told me its something that you just cant get over and it takes time to heal.
i want to feel the excitement again of trying to start our family. when we saw the positive pregnancy test we were so happy and excited and a week later it was all taken away.
I guess I’m trying to figure out why all this happened, and how I can heal other than seeing a shrink who currently put me on meds for anxiety and depression, and is trying to regulate my sleeping habits. I do get anxiety attacks a lot more frequently since the miscarriage and I haven’t been this depressed for a long time. I don’t know if its just the miscarriage or my knee surgery or both...
Anyways, Thanks for reading this, and I’d appreciate any advice you could give to me. this is probably the most straight forward and clear as I can be, my mind is still pretty jumbled, and running a million miles an hour.
I especially get mad at people who are blessed with this awesome gift and they are ungrateful and don't want any part of the baby's life. it makes me so mad, because david and i work so hard to try to start our family, and it just seems like everybody around us, whether it be at the store, or people we know, or on tv it just seems everybody can have a baby but us. what did we do wrong? it seems like all babies are made out of sin anymore. its like we should have been trying when we didn't want a baby because we might have been able to have one, but we never wanted to have a baby, or get pregnant with a baby before we were married. i know we didn't do everything right in our lives, but we tried making good steps out of it, we abstained from sex before we got married, and for God’s forgiveness for the sins we committed prior to being married. then we got married before we started trying to have kids.
on january 18, 2011 we found out we were pregnant through home pregnancy tests. on january 19, 2011 the doctor confirmed that we were indeed expecting. my doctor had set up appointments to check and see the baby and everything, but on january 24, 2011 our world came crashing down, i started having a lot of bleeding, i went into the emergency room and they couldn't find the baby and ruled it as a miscarriage, they couldn't explain to me why it happened. it was a hard day, I had to take one of my friends with me to the hospital because david was in oregon working and the recruiter he was with was more interested in doing his job than getting david back to me. david was begging his partner for the day to get him back to nampa, but the recruiter ignored him. david then finally told the recruiter that we had lost our baby, and david broke down in the car and cried and that recruiter felt awful. i'm still trying to figure out why it happened. we did everything right didn't we? we had asked to be clensed of our sins, abstained from sex, i ate right, i took my vitamins... did we get too excited? I just don’t know what went wrong.
when we first told people that we were expecting, it seemed like a lot of people were against us, some people told me not to get excited because we could lose the baby. when I told my dad, his reply was its better than cancer, when I told my mom, she said you know things could happen and not turn out the way we would want it. my biological grandma told me not to get excited and that we could lose the baby. the only people that seemed to be supportive was david’s parents, and my biological dad. he seemed excited, joked about how me being married and being able to have kids made him feel old.
when the miscarriage happened i was mad at everyone. I was mad at david because he wasn’t there, I was mad because he had a child with someone else and I couldn’t do that for him. I was mad at God because he gave us a gift and then he just took it away. i'll admit that i still am angry about losing the baby, i hate walking through the store and seeing teen moms or the people that have like 6 kids and look like they don't need anymore, but the mom is still popping them out. i feel like we are never going to be able to have kids. its a hard thing that i struggle with. it makes me emotional all the time. I watch tv, and if someone loses a baby I start bawling my eyes out.
I’ve been fluctuating with being mad at God, I’m mad at him one day, and ask for forgiveness the next for being mad, and cycle through again. I’ve also been struggling with depression with losing the baby, one day I’m great and happy and the next I’m upset and crying and trying to figure out what happened with us losing the baby. sometimes I feel like it was my fault because I was supposed to be that safe haven for the baby to grow in and I couldn’t keep it safe. sometimes people ask if there is anything wrong with david, and I tell them no, because he already has a child with someone else. so it makes me feel like its my fault.
its also really hard for me to be around kids. especially david’s daughter. david doesn’t understand why, and its hard to explain it to him without him getting all offended. its really hard to be around my best friend’s 4 year old son that I’m really close with. but being around sydney is the hardest, because that’s his daughter that he had with someone else, its hard for me to look at her, or her hugging me, or even hearing her voice. last month was mothers day and that was really hard on me, my grandma wrote me, “Jenny, Happy Mother's Day. Yes, you are a Mother and should be proud of that. Your baby is in the best possible hands for now. Be happy today knowing that. Love you, Grandma”. reading that made me cry for like a week and put me into a slump. now this month its sydney’s birthday, and father’s day. once again he gets to celebrate the fact he had a baby with someone else.
I’m not trying to be selfish, but these are just my feelings. I didn’t even want to be around this weekend. I wanted to go on a roadtrip with my best friend, and get far away from here. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being upset all the time. david told me to just get over it. my best friend, lost her baby at 4 month’s pregnant. she told me its something that you just cant get over and it takes time to heal.
i want to feel the excitement again of trying to start our family. when we saw the positive pregnancy test we were so happy and excited and a week later it was all taken away.
I guess I’m trying to figure out why all this happened, and how I can heal other than seeing a shrink who currently put me on meds for anxiety and depression, and is trying to regulate my sleeping habits. I do get anxiety attacks a lot more frequently since the miscarriage and I haven’t been this depressed for a long time. I don’t know if its just the miscarriage or my knee surgery or both...
Anyways, Thanks for reading this, and I’d appreciate any advice you could give to me. this is probably the most straight forward and clear as I can be, my mind is still pretty jumbled, and running a million miles an hour.
lima-oscar-victor-echo
that's how my soldier spells love.
L-O-V-E.
what is love? i'm still figuring that out day by day. you know how people say they believe in love at first sight. well that was not the case for me. david and i started dating on June 5, 2009. three days later my now husband told me he loved me. :) it took me a week after he said it to me to say it back to him. we fell in love quickly. we were inseparable. :) attached at the hip. :) we had so much fun that first summer. camping, riding his motorcycle, playing poker with friends, swimming, and hot tubbing. also he took me to the fair, i had never been to the western idaho fair before. we also went to the snake river stampede. too bad he's allergic to horses, so we ended up having to leave. next came july 31, 2010. the love of my life, and my best friend proposed to me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. i gladly accepted. :)on October 22, 2010 i became Mrs. David Biehl. :) married by my youth pastor that i grew up with. my biological dad got to walk me down the aisle, and i my adoptive dad gave me away to david. although my wedding was very small, i'm glad it was small and intimate and only the people that mattered was there. our family and very close friends, like Ashley who has been my friend since 5th grade. :) even my grandma came, all the way from arkansas. it was a fast weekend.
i'm in love with the most perfect man in the world, (or so i think.) he's my hero, he's MY soldier, he is my life, without him i am nothing, he makes me want to be better than i can be, as for him, no matter where the Army sends him i will always be here waiting for him, (impatiently, but faithfully!) his arms feel like home to me and they always will. i love how he makes me feel safe by just wrapping his arms around me, i love him more than words could ever describe. he's the other half of my heart, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. :)
there is so much i could brag about my husband. i just absolutely adore him. he's an amazing person. :)
well, that's all for tonight!
L-O-V-E.
what is love? i'm still figuring that out day by day. you know how people say they believe in love at first sight. well that was not the case for me. david and i started dating on June 5, 2009. three days later my now husband told me he loved me. :) it took me a week after he said it to me to say it back to him. we fell in love quickly. we were inseparable. :) attached at the hip. :) we had so much fun that first summer. camping, riding his motorcycle, playing poker with friends, swimming, and hot tubbing. also he took me to the fair, i had never been to the western idaho fair before. we also went to the snake river stampede. too bad he's allergic to horses, so we ended up having to leave. next came july 31, 2010. the love of my life, and my best friend proposed to me and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. i gladly accepted. :)on October 22, 2010 i became Mrs. David Biehl. :) married by my youth pastor that i grew up with. my biological dad got to walk me down the aisle, and i my adoptive dad gave me away to david. although my wedding was very small, i'm glad it was small and intimate and only the people that mattered was there. our family and very close friends, like Ashley who has been my friend since 5th grade. :) even my grandma came, all the way from arkansas. it was a fast weekend.
i'm in love with the most perfect man in the world, (or so i think.) he's my hero, he's MY soldier, he is my life, without him i am nothing, he makes me want to be better than i can be, as for him, no matter where the Army sends him i will always be here waiting for him, (impatiently, but faithfully!) his arms feel like home to me and they always will. i love how he makes me feel safe by just wrapping his arms around me, i love him more than words could ever describe. he's the other half of my heart, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. :)
there is so much i could brag about my husband. i just absolutely adore him. he's an amazing person. :)
well, that's all for tonight!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
brain jam... lol.
///is it impossible to love someone too much? :) because i love my husband with all my heart, and when i feel like my heart is full, it fills with more love. its awesome. :) i never thought i would ever find love, let alone a husband. :) i fell in love with him quickly. he has an amazing personality. i love so many things about him. :)
anyways...
///i was never the popular girl all the guys wanted to date in high school, when i graduated that all changed. i was the "hot girl" or the "sexy girl". guys were always asking me out and wanting to date me. i don't know what changed. maybe it was because i was out of the cliques of my high school. i hated my high school. too many cliques and judgmental people. i did not enjoy high school until my senior year. i became cocky and arrogant. i guess it was my defense mechanism. i was tired of people always treating me like crap, and that i was stupid. everybody was so cocky and i hated most of them... lol. oh well. karma will get them.
///so recently almost every show that i have watched in the past 2 weeks has dealt with someone on the show losing a baby, or almost losing a baby. the first show was Grey's Anatomy, one of the doctors on there was pregnant, got into a car accident and that baby was born premature, and almost died. thankfully the baby was saved. i know its a drama but i felt emotionally involved. the 2nd show was the secret life of the american teenager, the girl on the show was pregnant and carried the baby full term and lost the baby before it was born. and then right now i'm watching ugly betty and her sister was pregnant, and lost the baby... so sad. it makes me tear up. sometimes it makes me cry. losing a baby is always hard. i'm still working on getting over it. it's hard, it changes you. hopefully we'll be blessed again sometime soon...
anyways that's enough for the night.
toodles. HA! :)
anyways...
///i was never the popular girl all the guys wanted to date in high school, when i graduated that all changed. i was the "hot girl" or the "sexy girl". guys were always asking me out and wanting to date me. i don't know what changed. maybe it was because i was out of the cliques of my high school. i hated my high school. too many cliques and judgmental people. i did not enjoy high school until my senior year. i became cocky and arrogant. i guess it was my defense mechanism. i was tired of people always treating me like crap, and that i was stupid. everybody was so cocky and i hated most of them... lol. oh well. karma will get them.
///so recently almost every show that i have watched in the past 2 weeks has dealt with someone on the show losing a baby, or almost losing a baby. the first show was Grey's Anatomy, one of the doctors on there was pregnant, got into a car accident and that baby was born premature, and almost died. thankfully the baby was saved. i know its a drama but i felt emotionally involved. the 2nd show was the secret life of the american teenager, the girl on the show was pregnant and carried the baby full term and lost the baby before it was born. and then right now i'm watching ugly betty and her sister was pregnant, and lost the baby... so sad. it makes me tear up. sometimes it makes me cry. losing a baby is always hard. i'm still working on getting over it. it's hard, it changes you. hopefully we'll be blessed again sometime soon...
anyways that's enough for the night.
toodles. HA! :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
rambling...
have you ever met that one person that changed your life completely? i have. :) my husband. my best friend. my companion. my lover. :)
david have a love that is unique. . . of course who doesn't think that the love they have for the spouse is different than anybody else, that's because we are all different. david oh david how do i explain him. . . when ppl meet him at first they think he's mature and and stuff. but in realaity, he's a total dork, and a goofball, and a huge nerd. lol. but i love him for it.i love the way he laughs, the way he makes me smile, the way he can make a horrible, awful day and make it better just by holding me and telling me he loves me and how happy he is that he married me.
my husband is a soldier in the United States Army, and i am one damn proud army wife! lol. even though with recruiting the hours are crazy, and there is separation and ridiculous trips but i do get to go with him on those! also for those on the line and not recruiting duty there are those dreaded deployments. i heard a quote once, "God made the strongest of women and paired them with soldiers." its a true story. being a soldiers wife or any military wife is a difficult job. between drama and washing and ironing uniforms, and the deployments and separation, and not knowing what's going on with our husbands, and being strong for the them is the hardest part, but we suck it up and drive on! :)
i have had the privilege to walk and meet some of the finest soldiers. i have also had the privilege to walk among the finest of wives of soldiers and talk with some amazing women.
david have a love that is unique. . . of course who doesn't think that the love they have for the spouse is different than anybody else, that's because we are all different. david oh david how do i explain him. . . when ppl meet him at first they think he's mature and and stuff. but in realaity, he's a total dork, and a goofball, and a huge nerd. lol. but i love him for it.i love the way he laughs, the way he makes me smile, the way he can make a horrible, awful day and make it better just by holding me and telling me he loves me and how happy he is that he married me.
my husband is a soldier in the United States Army, and i am one damn proud army wife! lol. even though with recruiting the hours are crazy, and there is separation and ridiculous trips but i do get to go with him on those! also for those on the line and not recruiting duty there are those dreaded deployments. i heard a quote once, "God made the strongest of women and paired them with soldiers." its a true story. being a soldiers wife or any military wife is a difficult job. between drama and washing and ironing uniforms, and the deployments and separation, and not knowing what's going on with our husbands, and being strong for the them is the hardest part, but we suck it up and drive on! :)
i have had the privilege to walk and meet some of the finest soldiers. i have also had the privilege to walk among the finest of wives of soldiers and talk with some amazing women.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
have you ever met that one person that changed your life completely? i have. :) my husband. my best friend. my companion. my lover. :)
david have a love that is unique. . . of course who doesn't think that the love they have for the spouse is different than anybody else, that's because we are all different. david oh david how do i explain him. . . when ppl meet him at first they think he's mature and and stuff. but in realaity, he's a total dork, and a goofball, and a huge nerd. lol. but i love him for it.i love the way he laughs, the way he makes me smile, the way he can make a horrible, awful day and make it better just by holding me and telling me he loves me and how happy he is that he married me.
my husband is a soldier in the United States Army, and i am one damn proud army wife! lol. even though with recruiting the hours are crazy, and there is separation and ridiculous trips but i do get to go with him on those! also for those on the line and not recruiting duty there are those dreaded deployments. i heard a quote once, "God made the strongest of women and paired them with soldiers." its a true story. being a soldiers wife or any military wife is a difficult job. between drama and washing and ironing uniforms, and the deployments and separation, and not knowing what's going on with our husbands, and being strong for the them is the hardest part, but we suck it up and drive on! :)
i have had the privilege to walk and meet some of the finest soldiers. i have also had the privilege to walk among the finest of wives of soldiers and talk with some amazing women.
david have a love that is unique. . . of course who doesn't think that the love they have for the spouse is different than anybody else, that's because we are all different. david oh david how do i explain him. . . when ppl meet him at first they think he's mature and and stuff. but in realaity, he's a total dork, and a goofball, and a huge nerd. lol. but i love him for it.i love the way he laughs, the way he makes me smile, the way he can make a horrible, awful day and make it better just by holding me and telling me he loves me and how happy he is that he married me.
my husband is a soldier in the United States Army, and i am one damn proud army wife! lol. even though with recruiting the hours are crazy, and there is separation and ridiculous trips but i do get to go with him on those! also for those on the line and not recruiting duty there are those dreaded deployments. i heard a quote once, "God made the strongest of women and paired them with soldiers." its a true story. being a soldiers wife or any military wife is a difficult job. between drama and washing and ironing uniforms, and the deployments and separation, and not knowing what's going on with our husbands, and being strong for the them is the hardest part, but we suck it up and drive on! :)
i have had the privilege to walk and meet some of the finest soldiers. i have also had the privilege to walk among the finest of wives of soldiers and talk with some amazing women.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
6 Months Later. :)
david and i have been married for a little over 6 months now. :) what an interesting road it has been. :) lets start by going back a year ago, May 2010, i had just started my new job with DIRECTV. what an adventure that was... lets just say i'm glad that adventure is OVER! David is still in the Army and going strong. :) Being an Army wife has its ups and downs, from the long demanding hours, to ignorant people, to gossip, and the list goes on, but we make it work. :) being an Army wife to me is privilege and an honor to walk among some of the greatest of heroes. :) not everybody is cut out to be a military wife, but those who are the strongest of women. being in the military you develop special bonds with people. we become a family. no matter if we bicker and fight and don't like each other, when it comes down to it, every family is there for another. as a military wife most of your friends become other military wives, but its nice to take a break from it all and hang out with non military friends. :) anyways enough with all the military talk...
david and i have had quite a personal adventure... we went through some rough times pro. we want to start our own family, we had been talking about it since before we got married, but after we were engaged. lol. about 3 months after we got married we were expecting, not everybody was supportive of this choice we had made, everybody kept telling me that something would happen and it might not work out. it was like they were wishing upon us to lose the baby. well anyways january 19, 2011 we found out i was pregnant, at about 4-5 weeks. david and i were so excited!
on january 24, 2011 i experienced major bleeding, i went to the emergency room where they ran a bunch of tests on me, and came to the conclusion that we had lost the baby. i was devastated. i felt like i was being punished. i felt inadequate. i felt like i had failed. i felt like some people had gotten their wish. i fell into a mass depression. i didnt leave my house for 2 months. i got anxiety attacks when i went out into public. when i saw other people with babies, i cried. when i saw unfit parents david had to control me because i was so angry that i wanted to punch the parents in the face. i didn't think it was fair that they could have children and i couldnt. i can't stand to watch tv shows that have abortions in them.
i still don't understand why i lost my baby. i thought i did everything right. david and i did our abstinence to purify ourselves, got married, and then tried to make our family. is it better to live in sin and try to make a family that way because that's how it seems its to be done now days. i'm still working through my issues with losing our baby. i'm still pretty angry off and on about things, i still get depressed about somethings with the baby.
even though we lost our baby, we named it Nevaeh. which is heaven spelled backwards. Nevaeh is a girl's name, but it is a fitting name. i have an angel baby. i am a mother to an angel. someday i will hopefully meet him or her, and whomever it is, they are in heaven now.
david and i are still continuing to try to start our family. we did get an addition to our family, Sadie, she is my pride and joy. my yellow lab puppy. :) Sadie saved me. she gave me something to look forward to. to love. be a mom to something. she is my baby.
david and i would appreciate all the prayers and support we could get to help us start our family. we need support and optimism we can get. if you are not supportive or optimistic about us starting our family, i personally want NOTHING to do with you. no offense. but i am NOT going to deal with that crap because its our lives and we will do what we want.
david and i have had quite a personal adventure... we went through some rough times pro. we want to start our own family, we had been talking about it since before we got married, but after we were engaged. lol. about 3 months after we got married we were expecting, not everybody was supportive of this choice we had made, everybody kept telling me that something would happen and it might not work out. it was like they were wishing upon us to lose the baby. well anyways january 19, 2011 we found out i was pregnant, at about 4-5 weeks. david and i were so excited!
on january 24, 2011 i experienced major bleeding, i went to the emergency room where they ran a bunch of tests on me, and came to the conclusion that we had lost the baby. i was devastated. i felt like i was being punished. i felt inadequate. i felt like i had failed. i felt like some people had gotten their wish. i fell into a mass depression. i didnt leave my house for 2 months. i got anxiety attacks when i went out into public. when i saw other people with babies, i cried. when i saw unfit parents david had to control me because i was so angry that i wanted to punch the parents in the face. i didn't think it was fair that they could have children and i couldnt. i can't stand to watch tv shows that have abortions in them.
i still don't understand why i lost my baby. i thought i did everything right. david and i did our abstinence to purify ourselves, got married, and then tried to make our family. is it better to live in sin and try to make a family that way because that's how it seems its to be done now days. i'm still working through my issues with losing our baby. i'm still pretty angry off and on about things, i still get depressed about somethings with the baby.
even though we lost our baby, we named it Nevaeh. which is heaven spelled backwards. Nevaeh is a girl's name, but it is a fitting name. i have an angel baby. i am a mother to an angel. someday i will hopefully meet him or her, and whomever it is, they are in heaven now.
david and i are still continuing to try to start our family. we did get an addition to our family, Sadie, she is my pride and joy. my yellow lab puppy. :) Sadie saved me. she gave me something to look forward to. to love. be a mom to something. she is my baby.
david and i would appreciate all the prayers and support we could get to help us start our family. we need support and optimism we can get. if you are not supportive or optimistic about us starting our family, i personally want NOTHING to do with you. no offense. but i am NOT going to deal with that crap because its our lives and we will do what we want.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Reasons Why I Love My Husband. :)
i wrote this to my husband a while ago... :)
Reasons Why I Love You, Love of My life, David Michael Biehl,
1. I love the way you know how to make me smile no matter where you are.
2. I love the way you look at me with such love in your eyes.
3. I love the way you look at me when you tell me you love me.
4. I love the way your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
5. I love when you kiss my forehead, so soft and gentle with such love.
6. I love the way our bodies fit so well together when we cuddle.
7. I love how when you hold me you cradle me with such love.
8. I love the way you watch me, when you think I’m not looking.
9. I love sitting on the kitchen counter talking to you, holding you.
10. I love talking about our days in our bed as we wind down to go to sleep.
11. I love the way you take care of me when I am sick.
12. I love how we can be together most of the time and not get tired of each other.
13. I love our spontaneous dates, going to the movies, and dinner.
14. I love calling you MINE.
15. I love that you never judge me.
16. I love how romantic you can be.
17. I love how we balance each other out.
18. I love how I see us growing old together.
19. I love how we have our future kids names picked out.
20. I love when you tell me you think I will be a good mom.
21. I love how supportive you are of me.
22. I love when you make me mad, you make it all better and I can’t be mad at you.
23. I love the way you hold me when I cry.
24. I love the way our hands interlace so perfectly together.
25. I love that you love me for who I am.
26. I love that you have taught me new things.
27. I love how patient you are with me.
28. I love how forgiving you are with me.
29. I love the way don’t try to change me.
30. I love how we can do anything together.
31. I love knowing that you will be an awesome father to our children.
32. I love knowing you want kids as much as I do.
33. I love knowing you are the one.
34. I love the vibe you give off when we are together.
35. I love seeing how happy you are when we are together.
36. I love seeing that sparkle in your eyes when you look at me.
37. I love how happy we are when we are together and the sparks between us are electrifying.
38. I love how comfortable we are with each other.
39. I love that your family is so accepting.
40. I love that my family likes you!
41. I love laying in bed with you late at night.
42. I love how you hold me before you fall asleep.
43. I love falling asleep next to you.
44. I love waking up next to you.
45. I love going on random ARMY trips with you.
46. I love when you kiss me before going to work and telling me you love me.
47. I love laying in bed with you all day long, just because.
48. I love how happy I am when I am with you.
49. I love that after weeks of being apart your arms still feel like home.
50. I love that no matter where you are, or how far away that you are, that you are always thinking of me and how much you love me.
51. I love the way you look at me when I am sleeping.
52. I love the way you play with my hair.
53. I love the way you push my hair out of my face, and tuck it behind my ear, and tell me I’m beautiful.
54. I love that I could go on and on for hours on end about how much I love you.
55. I love that you tell me I’m beautiful if I look like crap.
56. I love that when I’m on my period and my cramps hurt me terribly, you pull me into your lap and cradle me and rock me back and forth.
57. I love that when I have a bad dream you are always there to hold me and make me feel safe again.
58. I love that you like to fulfill my dreams/fantasies.
59. I love that no matter what you will always be my O’hana. (family)
60. I love that with you I have an o’hana.
61. I love that I can be safe and not worry I’m going to lose my o’hana.
62. I love that you say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make things okay again.
63. I love the way you tell me I’m hot especially when I don’t feel like it.
64. I love that you worry about me, and actually care about me.
65. I love that you miss me when you are gone.
66. I love when you call me your baby.
67. I love when you call me babe.
68. I love the text you sent me, “you will never be alone or be afraid of being alone as long as you are with me I will keep you safe forever”
69. I love the text you sent me about o’hana; “u have me I have u we are a family u don’t have to cry any more u r safe”
70. I love the text you sent me during the second month that we were dating, “I love you with all my heart and I didn’t think I could give it away again but I did to u and I’m so happy I did”
71. I love when we laugh together.
72. I love your smile.
73. I love your eyes.
74. I love your lips.
75. I love your kiss.
76. I love your touch.
77. I love the way you smell.
78. I love your cute lil butt.
79. I love your job. (The Army is my husband’s mistress and sometimes that bitch gets all the attention. Lol )
80. I love the way you look in your uniform. (its HOT!)
81. I love that I trust you 100%.
82. I love when you come home from morning PT and you crawl in bed with me and cuddle.
83. I love riding on your motorcycle with you.
84. I love going camping with you.
85. I love going fishing with you, even though I’m not good at it.
86. I love going shooting with you.
87. I love that sometimes you watch my “gay” shows.
88. I love our deep and sometimes random conversations.
89. I love that you have helped me with a lot of issues from my past.
90. I love how giving you are.
91. I love how loving you are.
92. I love how protective you are.
93. I love feeling your body next to mine when I go to sleep.
94. I love dreaming about you.
95. I love thinking about you, and it putting a smile on my face.
96. I love that you provide for me.
97. I love when you cook.
98. I love how you are trying to make all our dreams come true.
99. I love you for being you.
100. I love you David Michael Biehl.
Reasons Why I Love You, Love of My life, David Michael Biehl,
1. I love the way you know how to make me smile no matter where you are.
2. I love the way you look at me with such love in your eyes.
3. I love the way you look at me when you tell me you love me.
4. I love the way your voice sounds when you tell me you love me.
5. I love when you kiss my forehead, so soft and gentle with such love.
6. I love the way our bodies fit so well together when we cuddle.
7. I love how when you hold me you cradle me with such love.
8. I love the way you watch me, when you think I’m not looking.
9. I love sitting on the kitchen counter talking to you, holding you.
10. I love talking about our days in our bed as we wind down to go to sleep.
11. I love the way you take care of me when I am sick.
12. I love how we can be together most of the time and not get tired of each other.
13. I love our spontaneous dates, going to the movies, and dinner.
14. I love calling you MINE.
15. I love that you never judge me.
16. I love how romantic you can be.
17. I love how we balance each other out.
18. I love how I see us growing old together.
19. I love how we have our future kids names picked out.
20. I love when you tell me you think I will be a good mom.
21. I love how supportive you are of me.
22. I love when you make me mad, you make it all better and I can’t be mad at you.
23. I love the way you hold me when I cry.
24. I love the way our hands interlace so perfectly together.
25. I love that you love me for who I am.
26. I love that you have taught me new things.
27. I love how patient you are with me.
28. I love how forgiving you are with me.
29. I love the way don’t try to change me.
30. I love how we can do anything together.
31. I love knowing that you will be an awesome father to our children.
32. I love knowing you want kids as much as I do.
33. I love knowing you are the one.
34. I love the vibe you give off when we are together.
35. I love seeing how happy you are when we are together.
36. I love seeing that sparkle in your eyes when you look at me.
37. I love how happy we are when we are together and the sparks between us are electrifying.
38. I love how comfortable we are with each other.
39. I love that your family is so accepting.
40. I love that my family likes you!
41. I love laying in bed with you late at night.
42. I love how you hold me before you fall asleep.
43. I love falling asleep next to you.
44. I love waking up next to you.
45. I love going on random ARMY trips with you.
46. I love when you kiss me before going to work and telling me you love me.
47. I love laying in bed with you all day long, just because.
48. I love how happy I am when I am with you.
49. I love that after weeks of being apart your arms still feel like home.
50. I love that no matter where you are, or how far away that you are, that you are always thinking of me and how much you love me.
51. I love the way you look at me when I am sleeping.
52. I love the way you play with my hair.
53. I love the way you push my hair out of my face, and tuck it behind my ear, and tell me I’m beautiful.
54. I love that I could go on and on for hours on end about how much I love you.
55. I love that you tell me I’m beautiful if I look like crap.
56. I love that when I’m on my period and my cramps hurt me terribly, you pull me into your lap and cradle me and rock me back and forth.
57. I love that when I have a bad dream you are always there to hold me and make me feel safe again.
58. I love that you like to fulfill my dreams/fantasies.
59. I love that no matter what you will always be my O’hana. (family)
60. I love that with you I have an o’hana.
61. I love that I can be safe and not worry I’m going to lose my o’hana.
62. I love that you say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make things okay again.
63. I love the way you tell me I’m hot especially when I don’t feel like it.
64. I love that you worry about me, and actually care about me.
65. I love that you miss me when you are gone.
66. I love when you call me your baby.
67. I love when you call me babe.
68. I love the text you sent me, “you will never be alone or be afraid of being alone as long as you are with me I will keep you safe forever”
69. I love the text you sent me about o’hana; “u have me I have u we are a family u don’t have to cry any more u r safe”
70. I love the text you sent me during the second month that we were dating, “I love you with all my heart and I didn’t think I could give it away again but I did to u and I’m so happy I did”
71. I love when we laugh together.
72. I love your smile.
73. I love your eyes.
74. I love your lips.
75. I love your kiss.
76. I love your touch.
77. I love the way you smell.
78. I love your cute lil butt.
79. I love your job. (The Army is my husband’s mistress and sometimes that bitch gets all the attention. Lol )
80. I love the way you look in your uniform. (its HOT!)
81. I love that I trust you 100%.
82. I love when you come home from morning PT and you crawl in bed with me and cuddle.
83. I love riding on your motorcycle with you.
84. I love going camping with you.
85. I love going fishing with you, even though I’m not good at it.
86. I love going shooting with you.
87. I love that sometimes you watch my “gay” shows.
88. I love our deep and sometimes random conversations.
89. I love that you have helped me with a lot of issues from my past.
90. I love how giving you are.
91. I love how loving you are.
92. I love how protective you are.
93. I love feeling your body next to mine when I go to sleep.
94. I love dreaming about you.
95. I love thinking about you, and it putting a smile on my face.
96. I love that you provide for me.
97. I love when you cook.
98. I love how you are trying to make all our dreams come true.
99. I love you for being you.
100. I love you David Michael Biehl.
Married Life
Married life has had its ups and downs, David and I have been married since October 22, 2010. It will be 4 months tomorrow. WOW. That's it? It seems that we've been married a lot longer than that... Maybe its because we lived together for almost 2 years, the only plus side of being married is nobody will tell you are living in the wrong, because you're not. They'll only make you feel like shit for things you decided to do in your life, because they want a say in everything, but its not up to them. Its ultimately your life. I can't believe David and I have been together for so long, its been an interesting and fun ride.
Right now we are going through a down time, my car has passed on to car heaven, or so i think, but its time for the Ke$ha mobile to have a proper burial as my mechanic would say. We are also going through a good time so its a little bittersweet. Our relationship has grown and blossomed into something great. Yeah, we may squabble and fight, but all in all, its been great. :)
Right now we are going through a down time, my car has passed on to car heaven, or so i think, but its time for the Ke$ha mobile to have a proper burial as my mechanic would say. We are also going through a good time so its a little bittersweet. Our relationship has grown and blossomed into something great. Yeah, we may squabble and fight, but all in all, its been great. :)
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