babies

I have been struggling again with the loss of our baby, and its like I’m getting mad at everything.

I especially get mad at people who are blessed with this awesome gift and they are ungrateful and don't want any part of the baby's life. it makes me so mad, because david and i work so hard to try to start our family, and it just seems like everybody around us, whether it be at the store, or people we know, or on tv it just seems everybody can have a baby but us. what did we do wrong? it seems like all babies are made out of sin anymore. its like we should have been trying when we didn't want a baby because we might have been able to have one, but we never wanted to have a baby, or get pregnant with a baby before we were married. i know we didn't do everything right in our lives, but we tried making good steps out of it, we abstained from sex before we got married, and for God’s forgiveness for the sins we committed prior to being married. then we got married before we started trying to have kids.

on january 18, 2011 we found out we were pregnant through home pregnancy tests. on january 19, 2011 the doctor confirmed that we were indeed expecting. my doctor had set up appointments to check and see the baby and everything, but on january 24, 2011 our world came crashing down, i started having a lot of bleeding, i went into the emergency room and they couldn't find the baby and ruled it as a miscarriage, they couldn't explain to me why it happened. it was a hard day, I had to take one of my friends with me to the hospital because david was in oregon working and the recruiter he was with was more interested in doing his job than getting david back to me. david was begging his partner for the day to get him back to nampa, but the recruiter ignored him. david then finally told the recruiter that we had lost our baby, and david broke down in the car and cried and that recruiter felt awful. i'm still trying to figure out why it happened. we did everything right didn't we? we had asked to be clensed of our sins, abstained from sex, i ate right, i took my vitamins... did we get too excited? I just don’t know what went wrong.

when we first told people that we were expecting, it seemed like a lot of people were against us, some people told me not to get excited because we could lose the baby. when I told my dad, his reply was its better than cancer, when I told my mom, she said you know things could happen and not turn out the way we would want it. my biological grandma told me not to get excited and that we could lose the baby. the only people that seemed to be supportive was david’s parents, and my biological dad. he seemed excited, joked about how me being married and being able to have kids made him feel old.

when the miscarriage happened i was mad at everyone. I was mad at david because he wasn’t there, I was mad because he had a child with someone else and I couldn’t do that for him. I was mad at God because he gave us a gift and then he just took it away. i'll admit that i still am angry about losing the baby, i hate walking through the store and seeing teen moms or the people that have like 6 kids and look like they don't need anymore, but the mom is still popping them out. i feel like we are never going to be able to have kids. its a hard thing that i struggle with. it makes me emotional all the time. I watch tv, and if someone loses a baby I start bawling my eyes out.

I’ve been fluctuating with being mad at God, I’m mad at him one day, and ask for forgiveness the next for being mad, and cycle through again. I’ve also been struggling with depression with losing the baby, one day I’m great and happy and the next I’m upset and crying and trying to figure out what happened with us losing the baby. sometimes I feel like it was my fault because I was supposed to be that safe haven for the baby to grow in and I couldn’t keep it safe. sometimes people ask if there is anything wrong with david, and I tell them no, because he already has a child with someone else. so it makes me feel like its my fault.

its also really hard for me to be around kids. especially david’s daughter. david doesn’t understand why, and its hard to explain it to him without him getting all offended. its really hard to be around my best friend’s 4 year old son that I’m really close with. but being around sydney is the hardest, because that’s his daughter that he had with someone else, its hard for me to look at her, or her hugging me, or even hearing her voice. last month was mothers day and that was really hard on me, my grandma wrote me, “Jenny, Happy Mother's Day. Yes, you are a Mother and should be proud of that. Your baby is in the best possible hands for now. Be happy today knowing that. Love you, Grandma”. reading that made me cry for like a week and put me into a slump. now this month its sydney’s birthday, and father’s day. once again he gets to celebrate the fact he had a baby with someone else.

I’m not trying to be selfish, but these are just my feelings. I didn’t even want to be around this weekend. I wanted to go on a roadtrip with my best friend, and get far away from here. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of being upset all the time. david told me to just get over it. my best friend, lost her baby at 4 month’s pregnant. she told me its something that you just cant get over and it takes time to heal.

i want to feel the excitement again of trying to start our family. when we saw the positive pregnancy test we were so happy and excited and a week later it was all taken away.

I guess I’m trying to figure out why all this happened, and how I can heal other than seeing a shrink who currently put me on meds for anxiety and depression, and is trying to regulate my sleeping habits. I do get anxiety attacks a lot more frequently since the miscarriage and I haven’t been this depressed for a long time. I don’t know if its just the miscarriage or my knee surgery or both...

Anyways, Thanks for reading this, and I’d appreciate any advice you could give to me. this is probably the most straight forward and clear as I can be, my mind is still pretty jumbled, and running a million miles an hour.