a little peek into my mind...

a lot of people ask how I'm doing, I'm staying strong but I do have my weak points. these are my thoughts when I'm having a weak moment. 

it's like we go through things and we don't know why.

we don't know why bad things happen.

we don't know why our lives get flipped upside-down. 

we scoff when someone is having a bad day because their day couldn't have been as bad as the one we have been going through for weeks, months, and years. 

people act like they understand but they don't. 

they don't understand what you saw, heard, smelled and felt. 

you constantly sit at their bedside looking for change. looking for some ounce of hope that maybe your life will be semi normal again. 

you cry tears of loneliness, sadness, hurt, and anger. 

people don't understand all the anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, and guilt that you feel. you hide your feelings from the world son you aren't judged. 

anger- why this is all happening. what did you do wrong? what did you do to deserve this? you don't have the right to accuse me for things that happened because it wasn't in my plan. 

sadness/loneliness- being in your house alone. things remind you of them, pictures, smells, foods... you have nobody to talk to, cuddle with, laugh with. nobody to hold you and make you feel like everything is going to be alright. no one to vent to or have laying next to you and holding you when you fall asleep or wake up. no one to call you and tell you they love you. no one to text you and let you know they love you and can't wait to see you. no one to have dinner with. no one to make all the sadness, hurt and anger go away. no one to push the hair out of your face and tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, whether you think so or not. no one to make you smile when you are down. no one to fulfill all the promises they made. no one to hold hands with in the car or walking through the store or down the street. no one to tease you about the silly things you do...

frustration- sometimes you don't want to get dressed or put make up on, or do your hair, but you do it because its what other people want you to do, even though all you care about is getting back to the hospital to see you best friend. the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. people are inconsiderate they make a lot of things about themselves even though they aren't directly involved in the situation. people try to bully you to get what they want. 

guilt- what you could have done to prevent it from happening. what you could have changed. how you could have done something different. not telling them how much that you loved them every second of everyday. not agreeing with them all the time. not making them happy all the time. the little things...

in a matter of seconds, your whole life could change. one brash act or human error, everything you thought you knew about life changes. you change. in a matter of days, weeks, and years you become stronger. your routine changes. you start feeling scared, lonely, angry, hurt, confused, abandoned, worried. 

don't take anything you have in life for granted. especially the people. you never know in a second what could change. always tell your loved ones that you love them no matter what. kiss your husband or wife as much as you can, hold on to them, cherish them, because within the next second your life can change.