new blog

for all of you that were following this blog of david and i, i have branched off and made a new blog:

http://biehl19.blogspot.com/

it wasn't long enough.

On November 10, 2011 David took his last breath on earth and went to be with our Lord and Savior. i know that he is in a better place now, and he must be missing me just as much as i miss him. he was my best friend and love of my life.

when i married my husband i thought it meant forever, but little did i know that my forever with him would only be a little over a year. we never got that happily ever after.

we will never get the chance to have kids, or grand kids.

we will never get to hold each other again.

we will never get to kiss each other goodnight and good morning ever again.

i'll never feel the comfort and safety of his arms again when they hold me when my world is falling down.

i'll go to bed alone, and wake up alone.

i'll never get to feel him push my hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear and kiss my forehead when i cry.

i'll never get to hear him say everything would be okay, and that life was going to get better.

i'll never have him there to wipe my tears.


sometimes i look and hope that he'll walk around the corner of the hallway, or that when i wake up all of this was just a bad dream and he's laying next to me.

i would give anything to hear his voice again. to hear him say that he loved me with all his heart. to feel his touch.

i would give anything to see him walking proud in his ACU's, and be the soldier that he loved being.

After All...

someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. we will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. after all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.

TRAGEDY.

a word that either brings people together or tears them apart.

Monday, July 18,2011, tragedy struck, my husband tried taking his life by putting a gun to his head, and pulling the trigger forever changing the course of our lives forever.

Let me explain to you what i have been through the past few months.

On July 18, 2011 my husband went to work like any other day, he was a United States Army Soldier. He came home that day at 5:30pm. He told me he went to sports authority and bought a score book and a watch. When he got home that night he was confused, he asked me weird questions like if he had gone to work that day and what time it was. he asked me that on numerous occasions. after he had removed his uniform he told me he was tired and wanted to take a nap. so he laid down in bed and i told him i was going to go to the store.

i called my best friend and explained the symptoms to her and she thought he may have been dehydrated or had heat exhaustion. i was gone for about an hour to the store. i came home, and let david know i was home. i asked him if he was feeling any better. he replied that he felt hot and that his head hurt. i explained to him that i had spoken with my friend and he may be dehydrated or had heat exhaustion and that he may need to drink some water because of the previous weekend we had spent out in the sun all day and he didn't really drink any water. i asked him if he needed to go to the hospital. i asked him that numerous times, he refused.

my husband has a history of PTSD and his work situation was HORRIBLE. My husband was an exemplary soldier, but he was constantly harassed by certain NCO's and was told that he was over using the open door policy by another individual. My husband sought help for his work situation many times, but nobody chose to step up and help my husband. these certain individuals caused my husband anxiety so bad, that he had to go on anxiety meds, to help him through his day, he was so emotionally distraught and torn down by these people, every morning my husband threw up from anxiety. he lost weight. he was spiraling down in a depression. when you are constantly told that you are a piece of shit, and that you didn’t deserve to have all the awards that you were given and that you are nothing. It really takes a toll on someone.

There were a few incidents of certain said NCO’s that were very unprofessional and certain acts they did were un necessary. One time I walked into my husband’s office, now my husband was an E-6 staff sergeant. I walked into the office and his rank had been taken off. I wanted to know what happened and why his uniform was missing his rank. I was later told that his station commander had physically removed my husband’s rank and told him that he didn’t deserve his rank and that if he’s going to “act like a private that his rank should reflect that.” My husband tried his best to suffice this guy and try to stay out from under his radar but he would find anything and everything thing to terrorize my husband about.
i DO blame certain people in the army and i wish they were the ones in this situation because my husband did NOT deserve to be this way because of some stupid individuals that thought they had the power to tear a human being down so far and push them to this point and I HOPE THEY LIVE WITH THIS GUILT FOREVER. You better hope I don’t ever see you again, because there will be hell to pay.

Congratulations assholes you fucked his life up so much that you made him do this.

I do fully believe that his work situation played a huge toll in this tragedy. The army was everything to David, and he dedicated his life to it, and in the end he lost.

Decisions to make someone feel this bad are made by people who feel like crap themselves.

Another incident, on September 28th, 2011 the most selfish act that a person could ever do besides suicide, is taking away a loved one, especially one that is married. My father in law, because he thinks has all the control in the world did not want me to see my husband. he is tried his damnedest to withhold my rights as a wife to a UNITED STATES SOLDIER to see my husband. my husband has a traumatic brain injury, he needs my support now more than ever.
I have been there since day one for my husband. i got to hear his first words, his first steps, i saw him through his numerous surgeries, i see him every chance i get. my father in law is trying to be a super dad and he told me he would do anything to remove me from david's life by any means necessary.

my husband was an avid youtube watcher. i remember his favorite youtube clips, his favorite songs, things. to make him happy. id bring in his favorite movies to let him watch, we play video games on my computer or my ipad to keep him entertained. i talked to him, told him about my day and hopes for our future, i tell him everytime i see him, how much i love him and how much i want him to succeed to get better. i tell him everything will be okay, and that we will get through this and that i will be there for him every step of the way cheering him on. because i believe he will beat this, he may not be the same person that i married, but he is still my husband and we got a few more months to spend together.
nobody knows what i am going through and don't pretend like you do. because everybody seems to think that their 2 cents is what's best, but guess what its fucking not. i was there when it first happened, i helped save his life, i was there when he took his first steps since this happened, i was there when he said his first words. so don't tell me what to do. i know what is best for my husband, so everybody needs to stop telling me how to take care of my husband until they have been put in the same position that i am. if you are not going to be supportive of me, than i don't see the need to be friends with those people, i need people who will support my husband and i and not keep constantly attacking me because if he could speak you know he would not be friends with you for doing the shit you are doing.i have had enough of ridicule from people who i thought were my "friends". i don't appreciate you treating me the way you do. i love my husband with all my heart and would lay down my life for him. he is my best friend and the love of my life and if you can't respect that then we are no longer friends. true friends arise out of tragedy and we become closer, and all i can see is that the people who i thought were friends become enemies.
Now im dealing with the hardest thing of all, the Sunday night oct. 30th, my husband was re admitted to st als icu due to a fever and seizures he was having, he developed a really bad infection that ended up spreading to the rest of his body, on Sunday, Nov. 6th, 2011 at 6am my husband was taken off life support. He was able to breathe on his own without the ventilator, but now we are waiting for him to be at peace. As of yesterday they stopped all antibiotics and the only things he is getting is a little iv fluid and some pain meds. Im hoping he doesn’t have to go through this much longer. He lived a full life, and although it wasn’t long enough for us to be together I’m glad I had the honor of being his wife and the love of his life. Although we aren’t going to physically together anymore, I know that he’ll watch over me for the rest of my life. Hopefully someday I’ll meet a man who is just amazing as my husband was. I know that the next man I marry, if I marry has some BIG shoes to fill. David was an amazing person. He was my best friend, and the love of my life, and I will miss him dearly. I don’t regret the past 2 ½ years of my life that I spent with him, because that was the best 2 ½ years I have ever had with anyone. He was the most generous, caring, compassionate, loving person that I have ever met.

What does it mean to be an Army Wife?

normal isn't a word that applies anymore I don't know how to gently lead up to something like this, so i'm just going to say it. people are trying to understand why something so terrible could have happened. the mind play tricks on us at times like this. it has to. we need it to. its how we are able to power on and do what needs to be done. even something as mundane as doing the dishes that are piling up in the sink, or going out getting up and doing what needs to be done for your loved ones. the further doesn't stop. we all searched for strength that first day or two. i did. but whether what i found was true strength or just some part of your dna that makes us want to reach out and help. i don't know. times like this we question our own stregth our ability to hang on and not crumble. its one of the things i admire most about the army wives i've met. it must be a military thing. this capacity to press on despite the obstacles to see a mission through to its completion. no matter what happens that makes us question the world we live in life goes on. as cliche as that sounds. one generation passes the baton onto the next generation and the cycle of life continues. this is a communal spirit, this crazy insistence that we all really are connected and each others care taker, it keeps us from sinking into despair or sliding into the abyss. what is it about the human touch? holding a loved one close and feeling their warmth, their heartbeat? i mean this is the army and frequently our loved ones are away but their warmth doesn't have to be. at times it feels totally random. this roll of the dice on who lives and who dies. they say in times of crisis true character is revealed. at some point words fail us and we are left with silence, silence and time. "to live in hearts you leave behind is not to die." i don't know what each of you is going to do today, but now is the time to tell those you love that you love them.

a good friend of mine wrote this to me:

people who have it easy and just go through and do the time, then its over. those aren't the people who live the army life. people who are dedicated, who go through the hard times, people who are affected by everything that comes with it all and perseveres, those are the honorable ones. army strong right?

it doesn't matter where or how it happens. the result is the same. the process is the same. don't let peoples attitudes or actions make you feel undeserving. this happens to other soldiers. there is so much that comes with being in the military. it doesn't end when or go away when you come home. it follows you everywhere. that is what makes you an army wife. you live it everyday, you support everyday. not just deployed "support your troops" bullshit that people don't fully understand.


Back to me:

i can't say that i'm perfect. but i am an army wife. i am strong and i push through everything, though troubles may come they will all work themselves out. there is no rhyme or reason to understand why i went through everything this year, losing our baby, and now david being in the hospital. apparently God thinks that i can handle it all. hopefully we will all make it out stronger and happier people. i love david with all my heart, and in my heart and mind we are going to be together forever. we made a commitment to each other on October 22, 2010. that we would love, honor and cherish each other. take care of each other in sickness and in health. we are one. when we married in the sanctity in front of God and all of our family members we made a commitment to persevere through everything. we made a vow to honor 1 Cor. 13. david and i are best friends. nothing will change that.

davids progress

it's time for another update, I'm not so tired tonight so here we go. Thursday David had surgery on his sinuses because he was leaking a lot of cerebral spinal fluid from his nose and had an air leak where air was getting into his brain from his nose... so on Thursday he had surgery, he started in pre-op at 9:30am. then he was taken into the OR at 11:00am. surgery started at 12 or 12:30pm. he was out of surgery at 4:00pm and into recovery then I got to see him at 5:00pm. it was a long day. he was held in the icu from thrusday to tuesday afternoon then he went back to his long term care facility. Friday and Saturday and sunday, because of the surgery his eyes were swollen shut. Monday he opened his eyes back up. he did discover what breasts were again he was getting all grabby with mine, so I had to correct him and tell him it was not proper to be doing that in public. on tuesday he had another surgery to change his PICC line which is a long term IV from his left arm to his right. so he's still pretty groggy from the surgeries. 

as far as motor functions or movements, he is starting to move his right side his hand and arm have spontaneous movement but it's without stimulation which is good. his right leg he is moving I'm not sure if it's purposeful or spontaneous. he's giving thumbs up on command and showing umbers 0-5 on command. 

that's about it. 


.:Jenny:.

a little peek into my mind...

a lot of people ask how I'm doing, I'm staying strong but I do have my weak points. these are my thoughts when I'm having a weak moment. 

it's like we go through things and we don't know why.

we don't know why bad things happen.

we don't know why our lives get flipped upside-down. 

we scoff when someone is having a bad day because their day couldn't have been as bad as the one we have been going through for weeks, months, and years. 

people act like they understand but they don't. 

they don't understand what you saw, heard, smelled and felt. 

you constantly sit at their bedside looking for change. looking for some ounce of hope that maybe your life will be semi normal again. 

you cry tears of loneliness, sadness, hurt, and anger. 

people don't understand all the anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, and guilt that you feel. you hide your feelings from the world son you aren't judged. 

anger- why this is all happening. what did you do wrong? what did you do to deserve this? you don't have the right to accuse me for things that happened because it wasn't in my plan. 

sadness/loneliness- being in your house alone. things remind you of them, pictures, smells, foods... you have nobody to talk to, cuddle with, laugh with. nobody to hold you and make you feel like everything is going to be alright. no one to vent to or have laying next to you and holding you when you fall asleep or wake up. no one to call you and tell you they love you. no one to text you and let you know they love you and can't wait to see you. no one to have dinner with. no one to make all the sadness, hurt and anger go away. no one to push the hair out of your face and tell you that you are the most beautiful person in the world, whether you think so or not. no one to make you smile when you are down. no one to fulfill all the promises they made. no one to hold hands with in the car or walking through the store or down the street. no one to tease you about the silly things you do...

frustration- sometimes you don't want to get dressed or put make up on, or do your hair, but you do it because its what other people want you to do, even though all you care about is getting back to the hospital to see you best friend. the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. people are inconsiderate they make a lot of things about themselves even though they aren't directly involved in the situation. people try to bully you to get what they want. 

guilt- what you could have done to prevent it from happening. what you could have changed. how you could have done something different. not telling them how much that you loved them every second of everyday. not agreeing with them all the time. not making them happy all the time. the little things...

in a matter of seconds, your whole life could change. one brash act or human error, everything you thought you knew about life changes. you change. in a matter of days, weeks, and years you become stronger. your routine changes. you start feeling scared, lonely, angry, hurt, confused, abandoned, worried. 

don't take anything you have in life for granted. especially the people. you never know in a second what could change. always tell your loved ones that you love them no matter what. kiss your husband or wife as much as you can, hold on to them, cherish them, because within the next second your life can change. 

love is patient

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

-1 Cor. 4-8a.


its been awhile since i wrote a blog. so lets see here...

the last time i wrote something we were at st. als in boise. david is now at southwest idaho advanced care hospital in boise. he's progressing really well, he's able to move his left hand really well, move his left leg all around, today he was trying really hard to move his right hand and did it but he tried way to hard. it pushed his heart rate up high and tuckered him out. he's definitely trying! he also got his trach out so he can talk whenever he wants to. he's trying to do that as well. the first time i heard noise come from him it freaked me out because he hadn't made a sound in 3 weeks. lol. he also is making moaning noises and he tries to talk, i will ask him some questions and he will open his mouth and try to answer. :) david today also in physical therapy tried pulling himself up and was almost sitting by himself. :) yesterday he moved his head, neck and all by himself, and he's almost looking to the right. :) he's made some massive improvements. the swelling in his head has gone down to where its starting to cave in. (its supposed to do that.) he also is moving the right side of his face, which now he can make a full smile! :)

david used to have a restraint on his left arm to keep him from pulling at things, they removed it yesterday, but i had to put it back on him today because he started itching at his head and pulling scabs off. :( sorry buddy! just trying to protect you. also because his head is caving in you can tell were part of the skull is gone so he feels that a lot and i don't want it to hurt him because i don't know how much pressure he's putting on his brain when he touches his left side of his head. so we are just trying to protect him. david has this awesome night nurse named melissa. she's great, i love knowing she's there to take care of david. she's one of the few nurses i like. he also had a good day nurse, brianne. she was really good with him as well. :)

one last thing, i meet david's new commander, (we are no longer in the boise company for recruiting.) he's now in the wounded warrior unit, so we get to meet his new commander and a major from cali. hopefully they can answer a lot of questions for me.

all in all david improves more and more each day! its a definite miracle. :) now its just a waiting period for him to get better, a definite test to test patience in love.